January 19, 2012

please, someone, manage my case

Don't get me wrong. I am super thrilled, ecstatic even, that I was born with the wherewithal to take care of myself. I'm glad that I have the mental capacities and social skills [most of the time] to take care of my life on my own, without much help. But there are times when, even if I've got all my faculties in working order, I think to myself, I NEED AN ADULT! And I do, you guys, I honestly do. And those are the times that I wish that I, a case manager, could have one of me. My own personal case manager/assistant/stand-in adult. I wouldn't hate it, that's all I'm saying.

Here are some of the things I would require of my me if I had one.

+ Remind me to get my prescriptions each month. Do I remember to reorder my client's meds every month? Almost always, I do. But once a month I run out of Zyrtec and forget to get more until I am so itchy [I really should probably live in a bubble] that I literally can't take it anymore and finally go the 500 yards from my bedroom to my Walgreens.

+ Remind me to return movies I rent from Redbox within 24 hours. Or, at the very least, within the calendar year - both of which I appear to be constitutionally incapable of.

+ When I need a drivers license, or license plates, or any other item that will require me to go to an awful place like the DMV to get it, please pick me up and take me there. Oh, and remind me to save the money to get the thing I need. Oh, and if I get flustered, feel free to step in and tell the cranky person on the power trip behind the desk to lay off.

+ Make me get a car wash. I am afraid of the car wash. I have severe and irrational anxiety about going to one. I could use a case manager for emotional support and maybe some exposure therapy so I can take care of things like this.

+ Be my payee? I'll give you my check every two weeks and then you can make sure my phone bill, rent, storage unit bill, Visa, etc, all get paid on time. Then you can give me whatever's left for my personal needs and I won't spend any more than that ever because you won't let me.

+ Remind me to send birthday acknowledgments in a timely fashion.

+ Remind me that I like talking to my out-of-town friends and it would behoove me to call them.

+ Remind me that I don't want to do something every night of the week, so scheduling my life in such a fashion is going to cause me extra/unnecessary anxiety/tiredness.

-- Actually, can you just schedule things for me? That would be nice, since I can't seem to remember to not schedule counseling on the one Wednesday a month when I have book club. You'd think I learned my lesson when I double booked it the first time with both small group AND watching The Bachelor.

+ Help me be on time to things. Wake me up in the morning. Enforce a bedtime. Time, in general? Not my forte.

+ Tell me when I'm making bad choices. Or when I've made one, point it out. Or when I'm about to make one I've already made before, remind me about the time I made it before and how badly it went for me that time. I seem to lack the ability to do that for myself.

+ Oh, and maybe let me know that when I've eaten broccoli and popcorn for dinner not once but twice, it's time to go to the grocery store. Actually, wanna drive me there?

When it's someone else's life [like my clients] I can do stuff. Not all of that stuff, because that's more the work of a personal assistant/slave than a case manager in most cases. But still. Probably instead of whining that I need a servant I should just do what normal people do; make a list of New Year's resolutions and get on it.

I guess it's just nice to daydream about what it would be like to have someone be a grown up for me every now and then. But alas, I am capable. And I live on a social worker's salary, so I'll have to keep doing things on my own for now. At least until I am rich and/or famous and can hire someone to be responsible for me while I breeze through life renting Redbox movies willy nilly and getting car washes all the time without a care in the world.

That's a reasonable expectation. Right?


sarahannnoel said...

Oh gosh, I think this a lot. It's not that I'm so bad at remembering the details as I just avoid them. I try to make Trevor do everything I can possibly pawn off on him. Like the carwash. (Yes, I too have an irrational fear of the carwash, although sometime, when we actually have a coffee date, I'll tell you a story and then you'll see it's not THAT irrational.)

Barbara said...

Love, love, love this. I'm exactly the same way! oh the irony :)