June 1, 2010

never have I been so crazy

It's June, which means summer, and summertime is so great. Although, may I take a moment to complain about the fact that for the first time in my life the arrival of summer literally changes nothing about my life? This is the first time ever I haven't been on a semester schedule, which means with summer comes change of some kind (no school & work instead, or new classes, or a new schedule, something) and this summer NOTHING IS CHANGING. I still go to the hedge fund. I still go to the J.Crew. I still do everything I did all spring. Being an adult is LAME.

I'm excited about summer though. There are lots of fun things ahead, fun weddings and consequent reunions, fun road trips and plane trips and concerts and shows and bike rides to bars and Sundays in the park. All of this is stellar. But I think I need an attitude switch & a fresh start. Because I've been kind of a brat, of late. And granted, some situations have possibly warranted a little brattiness. Or at least emotions, if not the full-on-bratitude. On a scale of possibility, it is possible to very possible that I am beginning to toe this line.

I'm a brat in large part I think because I still believe a lot of crap that isn't true - which I have written about enough times that writing it now would be redundant. Talking about it on my blog helps in that brain = dark & blog = light and bringing things into the light = fab, but the "publish" button does not have a direct link to my soul (because I googled it and I guess they haven't figured that out yet. I think there might be an iPhone app but since I don't have a job I can't afford one of those.) and making a list on my blog is only a teensy piece of the healing equation. It's a start. But I write these things - I beg for relief  - and over and over again all I feel is grief that they do not yet seem real. Bottom line? My faith is kind of wimpy.

but hip-hip-hooray, faith of epic proportions is not a requirement:
The apostles said to the Lord, "Increase our faith!"
Jesus replied: "If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, 'Be uprooted and planted in the sea,' and it will obey you." 
I suppose what I'm getting at, in the end, is that maybe thats all I can do today. A baby step or two. 
Isn't that kind of awesome? Even just the mustard seed is enough.

Which is super fortunate, because it appears to be all I've got.

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