January 18, 2010

like an unforeseen kiss

Much as I hate to admit it, my adherence to the belief that God is good is a little bit conditional. Are things good? Ok yeah, God's good! Do things suck? *Crickets.* Suddenly I'm hesitant. This might sound just horrible, but it sometimes feels to me like conceding, giving in. (To what? I'm not sure.) It also, at times, feels to me like a platitude - like something people say to gloss over something uncomfortable. And I like that even less than I like concession. I'd go so far as to say that I like platitudes even less than I like encased meats. Which is to say, I hate them with the burning passion of a thousand suns. (Oh hyperbole, how I love thee.)

BUT. In recent weeks, I have been floored by how well I am loved. I feel like it's legitimately ridiculous. I call a friend to say I had a yucky week, and we are sitting on my bed and drinking wine and talking and laughing. I talk over breakfast burritos about hurt and pain, and I get prayed for, encouraged. I freak out and panic about the future, and my roommate sits and watches Criminal Minds with me. I laugh and laugh with some of the funniest people I have ever known. I am hugged and face-kissed and listened to and cared for and I don't deserve any of it. (Maybe the face kisses I deserve. I did kind of start that trend, after all.) All that to say - God is loving me, and loving me well, through these people. My Father has been taking care of me. I was wrong. And that is unspeakably good.

I wrote a while back about struggling. In being honest, I have genuinely gained some freedom back, which has been a great gift. But oddly enough, a couple of weeks of honesty and cathartic blog-writing did not instantly mend my relationship with God. Turns out, I have to like, keep working on it. In addition to blogging about praying, I have to actually, I don't know, pray. (I may have also mentioned before that I like immediate gratification?) If I'm supposed to learn something during this time on the desert road, I think maybe its that I need to: relax, trust, pray, wait, trust, pray, wait, and did I say relax?

As I've mentioned, I don't have to wait to be ready.
Which is good. Cause I'm totally not.

It's ok if I push "publish" and things don't magically improve.
It's ok if tomorrow I still feel a little yucky.
It's ok if for the rest of my life I work on the stuff I'm working on right now.
And it's ok if I concede.


Alli said...

yeah...I like making your blog

elena said...

stumbled upon your blog via sarah...looking forward to reading your posts...