December 29, 2009

life's candy and the sun's a ball of buttaa

First of all, I woke up with "Don't Rain On My Parade" stuck in my head yesterday. I felt like that had to be a good sign for 2010. But so far, twentyten (thats how I say it - and I think you should too) has been a lot like 2009. Not in a really terrible way so much as in a just-because-we-write-a-different-year-on-our-checks-doesn't-mean-our-lives-are-dramatically-altered, kind of way. I suppose this was to be expected. Weird.
However, I know a LOT of people for whom 2009 was not terribly fun. I realize that yes, there were parts which were not heinous, but a lot of the parts were pretty un-fun. That said, I know that many of us (myself included) are hoping, praying, begging, pleading, for a really fantastic twentyten. That's a lot of pressure to put on a change of date.
Transitions are never good for me. In fact, I think it is fair to say that transitionally speaking, I am legitimately awful. I deal poorly with big change. There are many reasons this is the case, but I think the most pronounced is the fact that at each transition, I am faced with myself: who I am now as opposed to before. What I did last time, how I failed in this span of time, what resolutions I failed to accomplish, how little I have grown, as I see it. I am not particularly nice to myself as it is, but it is at these times that I become particularly hateful. I give myself a once-over and see all the things I didn't get done since last year, since last graduation, or whatever. I am overcome with a sense of the time I have wasted, the things that I still, yes still, struggle with, the many ways in which I have let myself, God, everyone else, down. Harsh? Overly critical? A little ridiculous and irrational? Perhapsicle. But if I told you that anything different was happening in my brain, I would be a big fat liar.

For this reason, I do not believe in New Years resolutions. It's like saying, "Hey, I have an awesome idea - lets make a list of things I probably won't do this year, so that when the year is over, I have an actual, pre-written checklist of reasons I suck. Hooray!" No thank you. I do, however, like the thought of a new year. I also like the thought of a new phase of life in which for the first time ever, I am not a student. I am well on my way to grownup-hood! And I like this. While my instincts tell me to panic doubly over twentyten and graduation, I am resisting (i.e. breathing into a paper bag every few minutes). Here are some things that I am excited about doing/trying in this, the new year.

- Learn to play the Ukelele, and get really good at it.
- Get a library card. Allison and I say pretty much every day, "we really need to go get library cards." Then we don't. So now this is my life goal for 2010.
- Write more... but seriously. Now that I'm out of school forever, this feels like something I want to do more. So I will. Boom, roasted.
- Do more things I like a whole lot. This list might or might not include: wearing blue nail polish; hanging out with people who make me laugh ALL THE TIME; as of last night, playing Rock Band goes on this list... I will sing my heart out with reckless abandon; also, along the same lines - I will sing more karaoke, I think; I'll wear things I like without wondering if other people will; I will be freer, generally speaking.
-OH! And most importantly, we decided that high-fiving is SO 2009. In twentyten, we face-kiss. So, for those of you for whom physical touch is not your love language - prepare to be wildly uncomfortable.

Generally speaking, I want to do more of these things: enjoy, love, laugh, do, play, sing, appreciate, listen, tell the truth, affirm, comfort, hug, face-kiss, challenge, be challenged, create, write, pray. Among other things. I will be a busy girl in twentyten.

The moral of the story is that I want to not make changes out of the place that says: you need to fix/change/get better, generally speaking - but from a place that is exciting, new, full of new, cool stuff.

and in closing:

get ready for me love, cause I'm a comer
I simply gotta march, my heart's a drummer!
nobody, no, nobody is gonnaaaaa rain on my paraaaaaaaaaaade

3 comments:

SarahAnn said...

As you probably guessed, I not only love hair-stroking, I love face-kissing. Bring it on, baby.

Alli said...

Love it all. Library cards this week!

alixefloyd said...

You like face-kissing! Well, I'm going to lick your face instead. Thats right, I took it to a whole new level.

<3