October 26, 2009

Bold in the Broken Places

she held her grief behind her eyes like an ocean & when she leaned forward into the day it spilled onto the floor & she wiped at it quickly with her foot & pretended no one had seen [storypeople]

I like writing a lot, which is why I have a blog, because it's an excuse to write things and use words & exercise my piercing wit & use ampersands (&) to my heart's content & imagine that people care to read it. I haven't written anything in a while. I figured out why. It's because I have nothing positive to say.

me: and I can't even blog! I have nothing positive to say.
smart person: so what you're saying is that life is hard & you can't think of a way to write about it & then tie a nice little bow on it at the end... so you can't write anything at all?

hmm. I'm in a very tricky position, you see, because there are two things I don't want to be, ever: 1, Debbie Downer. 2, inauthentic. It is the ultimate in blogging catch-22's. I don't want to just put all my crap out there without saying something hopeful and seminaryish at the end... but a hopeful, seminarian bow at this time would not be genuine. Herein lies my problem. I get twitchy when I enter DD territory. My internal alarms enter panic mode when I don't offer some inspiring wisdom alongside whatever difficulty I choose to share. I'm going to try, though, to tell it like it is, at least this once. Maybe it will help me, maybe it will help you, or maybe I will press "publish" and immediately have a panic attack. We shall see, we shall see...

Much to my dismay, I find myself kind of really pretty considerably pissed. I keep thinking it will just go away, but there is just horribleness everywhere. I'm mad in a very big way about the state of things, about the utter brokenness of the world; ranging from the basic struggles of my basic life - to the loss of my young & beautiful sister - to the horrific lives of the kids I work with & then send back each night to horrible homes and situations - to the millions of other nightmarish things that are happening in the world. Tragedy is everywhere & it's hard to stomach.

Rationally, I know there are a lot of counter arguments to all of the items I just listed, but as some of you may know, I am not always rational. Let me say once (to ease my own discomfort, mostly) that I am not without hope that at some point I will return to a state of relative peace with all of this, and be able to manage life better. And every moment is not terrible - I laugh, & my laughter is genuine, I enjoy my friends & family & I like what I'm doing with my life. There are good things. But at the end of the day, I'm left with all of this, & I'm overwhelmed.

That said, here it is. I'm angry & sad that Audrie is gone. I'm angry & sad because the holidays are coming and my sister, our sister, won't be there. The loss of her laugh & presence in our family is almost tangible; whether spoken or unspoken, her absence is everywhere. I'm sad because my family, whom I adore, is hurting just like me, feels that absence just like me. I'm hurt & angry because people I care about have let me down, but mostly I'm so sad because I miss them & the way they made me laugh, think, feel, love. I'm so so angry that the kids I'm working with have seen more pain at fifteen than I might ever have to see in my whole life, & I'm sad every day because I can't protect them. I'm mad & frustrated that after years of struggling with the same crap, after countless prayers for God to heal that part of my life, I wake up every morning and that crap is STILL my crap.

I'm embarrassed to admit that I'm embarrassed to admit that I don't pray very much right now because it's hard. And as odd as it may sound, I miss the certainty of relying fully on God, & I miss the comfort that it brought me to put a bow on the crap even if it was, at times, haphazardly tied. I'm sad & angry & hurt & disappointed & I don't know where to put it all. I'm overwhelmed & when it comes down to it, I just can't understand it. Right now, I need to admit that. I don't understand.

I want to be able to say that because I'm about to graduate from seminary that I'm a pillar of strength & faith & trust, but it would be a lie. Mostly, I don't want to go through my life wiping my accidentally spilled tears away with my foot, just like I don't want that for any of my kids at school or for any member of my family & just like I wouldn't want that for any friend who had an ocean of tears held behind her eyes. Despite my current difficulty, I do feel confident that that is not how our Creator intended us to go through this life. My heart is hurting. Maybe yours is too. I need to be able to share my heart even when it's messy and broken. I need to practice being bold in the broken places.

7 comments:

alixefloyd said...

beautiful. you and your broken places.

Alli said...

Meggie,

Your honesty is such a gift to me, you, and the people who read this. Man I resonate with that story people quote. Thank you for not being afraid to be vulnerable. I love your broken heart with my broken heart.

Lori said...

I am so thankful to have such a genuine, compassionate, true friend. Thank you for being you. I love you.

Anonymous said...

Beautifully said, Megan. I am always truly amazed how you are able to put the words around the feelings and do it so perfectly. I love you. Amie

SarahAnn said...

I think knowing and understanding that others in our lives deal with hardship and struggle to find the good is in and of itself a positive thing. Even if you don't always feel happy, to be open and honest with those around you is to build trust and community. So, thank you for sharing your heart.

Elaine said...

I completely understand. Life just sucks right now and there is no way to tie a pretty bow on it. I wish I could say something helpful. I try to delight in the very, very small things: a cup of really good coffee, a smile on a child's face at school, a home-cooked meal...

The only ray of hope, the way I see it, is that our family is really due to have something truly GREAT happen. Sometime, soon would be nice, right?

Love you.

Jessica Dahl said...

Love you, Meggie!