October 28, 2009

I'm dreaming of a whiiiiiite... Halloween?

I plagiarized that from my friend Erin because I think it's hilarious. I mean... really?
When I was little, I remember when the first snow flurry fell, there was only one thing on my mind. SNOW DAY. We would watch the slow-moving ticker on the bottom of the news, praying, hoping, to see our school's name with "CLOSED" next to it. Oh the joy, the glee, as we, bleary eyed from sitting so close to the TV for 3 hours, finally saw "Wichita Collegiate: CLOSED" roll by on the ticker. It was so good. My friends, I am here to tell you - it is just as good when you're a grownup.

The view from my bed:
out the back door:
and in the backyard:
Are you confused? Me too. I woke up yesterday and I thought, "I mean, I know I stayed up until 3:30 writing a paper on the Orthodox Church and that I had WAY too much coffee that I accidentally made WAY too strong because I don't really understand the coffee-->water ratio situation, but did I actually sleep until December? Because it certainly does not look like October 28 outside." What is happening?

So it's STILL snowing. We are on, I believe, 18 inches and it's STILL snowing. I am on snow day #2, so I'm not so much complaining, but still. Really? Everything is cancelled! Internship, Denver Seminary, the world has veritably shut down. At least for those of us who are in school situations. Sorry, real worlders. No such luck.

Yesterday we attended a "snugglefest" at a friend's nearby - watched "When Harry Met Sally" and drank hot chocolate. Today might be slightly harder to get around only because of the sheer volume of the snow... but everything in my life is cancelled, so I may have to leave the house at some point. I'm even wearing my Sigma sweatshirt, which I only do in extreme comfort situations, because even though I love it, the world (my friends) is (are) not so accepting of my sororital roots.

So since I've got nothing but time & Allison is making pumpkin pancakes, here are some other things that have been going on... but first of all: YUM
Went to Wichita and bribed Timmy & Shelbs with SUGAR!! Ice cream sundaes. They were big fans of us (me & Allison). I'm pretty sure Allison and Beckie are in a silent feud to see who can make the kids like them best. What can I say? I got lucky in the nieces & nephews department. Actually, I think I kind of got lucky in the whole family department. (I know I know, dry your eyes... & now, back to the hilarity that is my life.)
I think Shelbie gets cuter by the minute. It's a little bit ridiculous.

Oh, and the other reason we made the pilgrimage to Wichita: to see Becca & Colin get married. I mean, does this picture just not warm your heart? This is pretty much what they looked like the entire night. Their faces MUST have hurt.
A few weeks ago, we went to Traildust Steakhouse to visit our friend Chris (middle) who works there. His stage name is Maverick. When we got there, I told the 16 yr old hostess, "it's really important that we're in Maverick's section." She looked at me, knowingly; "So you think he's really cute, huh?" Yes. Yes we do.
This is Dusty. Dusty, I'm 99% sure, instills nightmares in children. And Christy (left).
This is one of the many reasons it is fun to live in my house (other than that my roommate makes pumpkin pancakes on snow days). We have this sign up in the kitchen when we have small group or people over & we make food... people add to the list... (admittedly, some (most) of it was me...)
Allison just posted on her facebook that she made pumpkin pancakes, and now, 10 minutes later, a bunch of boys (ok, 2) are coming over. This, we have decided, will be our new man-catching tactic. I'll let you know how that works out.

OK, with all this time on my hands, I could do some serious blogging damage, so I will stop myself while I am still at an acceptable length. Enjoy your day. I'm currently trying to convince people to risk their lives to come over to my house so I don't get bored but also don't have to leave. It's a win-win. For me, anyway.

Still snowing, by the by.

October 26, 2009

ladies and gentlemen -- Bigger Timmy

well, ladies and gents, today is a very special day...
You see, in our family there is big Timmy (little Timmy) and bigger Timmy (this Timmy) because little Timmy (don't tell him I said that or I'll be in biggest trouble) "is not little." Clearly.

here is Tim (Papa,) swimming with Joel...
Here is Tim doing what he does best, busting a move on the dance floor.
And here is the other thing Tim does best. Whatever Mom tells him. Haha I KID I KID... dressing up for Halloween as Woody and Bo Peep.
I am continually thankful to have this Timmy in my life & in my corner! Whether it's because I got a speeding ticket or because I need a partner to sing "Grundy County Auction," he's always there for me.
You are the best Timmy Jimmy!! I love you!! Happy Birthday!!!!

Bold in the Broken Places

she held her grief behind her eyes like an ocean & when she leaned forward into the day it spilled onto the floor & she wiped at it quickly with her foot & pretended no one had seen [storypeople]

I like writing a lot, which is why I have a blog, because it's an excuse to write things and use words & exercise my piercing wit & use ampersands (&) to my heart's content & imagine that people care to read it. I haven't written anything in a while. I figured out why. It's because I have nothing positive to say.

me: and I can't even blog! I have nothing positive to say.
smart person: so what you're saying is that life is hard & you can't think of a way to write about it & then tie a nice little bow on it at the end... so you can't write anything at all?

hmm. I'm in a very tricky position, you see, because there are two things I don't want to be, ever: 1, Debbie Downer. 2, inauthentic. It is the ultimate in blogging catch-22's. I don't want to just put all my crap out there without saying something hopeful and seminaryish at the end... but a hopeful, seminarian bow at this time would not be genuine. Herein lies my problem. I get twitchy when I enter DD territory. My internal alarms enter panic mode when I don't offer some inspiring wisdom alongside whatever difficulty I choose to share. I'm going to try, though, to tell it like it is, at least this once. Maybe it will help me, maybe it will help you, or maybe I will press "publish" and immediately have a panic attack. We shall see, we shall see...

Much to my dismay, I find myself kind of really pretty considerably pissed. I keep thinking it will just go away, but there is just horribleness everywhere. I'm mad in a very big way about the state of things, about the utter brokenness of the world; ranging from the basic struggles of my basic life - to the loss of my young & beautiful sister - to the horrific lives of the kids I work with & then send back each night to horrible homes and situations - to the millions of other nightmarish things that are happening in the world. Tragedy is everywhere & it's hard to stomach.

Rationally, I know there are a lot of counter arguments to all of the items I just listed, but as some of you may know, I am not always rational. Let me say once (to ease my own discomfort, mostly) that I am not without hope that at some point I will return to a state of relative peace with all of this, and be able to manage life better. And every moment is not terrible - I laugh, & my laughter is genuine, I enjoy my friends & family & I like what I'm doing with my life. There are good things. But at the end of the day, I'm left with all of this, & I'm overwhelmed.

That said, here it is. I'm angry & sad that Audrie is gone. I'm angry & sad because the holidays are coming and my sister, our sister, won't be there. The loss of her laugh & presence in our family is almost tangible; whether spoken or unspoken, her absence is everywhere. I'm sad because my family, whom I adore, is hurting just like me, feels that absence just like me. I'm hurt & angry because people I care about have let me down, but mostly I'm so sad because I miss them & the way they made me laugh, think, feel, love. I'm so so angry that the kids I'm working with have seen more pain at fifteen than I might ever have to see in my whole life, & I'm sad every day because I can't protect them. I'm mad & frustrated that after years of struggling with the same crap, after countless prayers for God to heal that part of my life, I wake up every morning and that crap is STILL my crap.

I'm embarrassed to admit that I'm embarrassed to admit that I don't pray very much right now because it's hard. And as odd as it may sound, I miss the certainty of relying fully on God, & I miss the comfort that it brought me to put a bow on the crap even if it was, at times, haphazardly tied. I'm sad & angry & hurt & disappointed & I don't know where to put it all. I'm overwhelmed & when it comes down to it, I just can't understand it. Right now, I need to admit that. I don't understand.

I want to be able to say that because I'm about to graduate from seminary that I'm a pillar of strength & faith & trust, but it would be a lie. Mostly, I don't want to go through my life wiping my accidentally spilled tears away with my foot, just like I don't want that for any of my kids at school or for any member of my family & just like I wouldn't want that for any friend who had an ocean of tears held behind her eyes. Despite my current difficulty, I do feel confident that that is not how our Creator intended us to go through this life. My heart is hurting. Maybe yours is too. I need to be able to share my heart even when it's messy and broken. I need to practice being bold in the broken places.

October 16, 2009

story of the day [www.storypeople.com]

stable as long as nothing else in the whole world shifts
(so don't get your hopes up)*

*more soon, I promise**

**well, at least at some point in the next 2 weeks before I see my therapist again...
because she told me to and I dare not disobey her.