It has been an interesting week in my world. Some not-so-thrilling news from doctors after Audrie's round one of chemo, to make a long story very short, has thrown a kink in the idea that this cancer BS would all be gone after chemo and called for plans B, C, and whatever else to fall into the lineup. She and Tim are heading to the Mayo Clinic on Thursday for second opinions and more information, hopefully, and I am working to solicit prayer from any heart willing to offer it. I will say this - my sister is one tough cookie. She will put up a fight.
I have to be a little honest - I'm not ever quite sure what to make of God in situations like this one. Strangely enough, I visited a church tonight for the first time with a good friend and the sermon was all about the problem of Evil in the world. Hmm. While it didn't satisfy in any way the difficulties that face us, I think sometimes it is comforting to know that God just might be bigger than my understanding. That asking, "why," and learning the answer would not make it okay. If we knew why, would we say, "oh, okay then. I was just wondering." no! Perhaps we are not asking the right questions. Perhaps we are asking practically nonsensical questions - that make as much sense as "is yellow round or square?"
I was talking to my friend today about some of her struggles, and she was talking about how frustrating it is to struggle, to be in such pain and true misery! She said that whenever we was frustrated with God allowing her to still be struggling, she had to think that there was just something amazing that God was going to do in her or teach her through it. There must, she holds, if we are going through all this pain, be something good to come of it. C.S. Lewis said this: "God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world." And haven't I seen that to be true, at times, in my own life? While it doesn't even begin to solve "the Problem of Pain," it's something. For now, I suppose I'll just continue to pray... even if for the time being my prayers are filled with confusion and anger.
So, pray for the doctors' discernment and wisdom; for good news; for healing for my beautiful sister Audrie!